His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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