My cat gives me a boner
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
