Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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