two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
