Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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