can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
