dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
