Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
