It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
