How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
