and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
