I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
