my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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