I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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