i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
