I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
