Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
he fucked my hip out of place.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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