I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
