I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
