I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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