Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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