Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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