I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
