god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
