I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
