We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
