theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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