I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
