'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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