someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
