I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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