I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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