drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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