Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
