I'm so fucking centered right now
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
