im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
They left me at home... I'm a liability
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
