Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
