my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
