I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
thus making me awesome and them whores
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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