The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
