one might say we're banned from that church
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
