Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
