Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
