woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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