I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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