i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
