I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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