why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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