If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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