It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
