that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
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He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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