he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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