Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
